


Mapo Tofu and Milk

by Dokuhan



Category: 30歳まで童貞だと魔法使いになれるらしい | Cherry Magic! Thirty Years of Virginity Can Make You a Wizard?! (Manga), 30歳まで童貞だと魔法使いになれるらしい | Cherry Magic! Thirty Years of Virginity Can Make You a Wizard?! (TV)
Genre: Bathroom Sex, Bathrooms, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, M/M, Original Character(s), Revenge, Second-Hand Embarrassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 05:02:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30083883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dokuhan/pseuds/Dokuhan
Summary: Kusakabe Hiroki is Tokyokawa's number two salesman...and he just heard Kurosawa Yuichi get rammed in the bathroom at work.
Relationships: Adachi Kiyoshi/Kurosawa Yuichi
Comments: 16
Kudos: 60





	Mapo Tofu and Milk

**Author's Note:**

> Kusakabe Hiroki is an OC brought to life by me and [Ax](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ax100/pseuds/ax100) while playing horny tennis, and then added more life through the rest of the discord server. 
> 
> His face claim is Yukiaki Kiyama.

If Kusakabe Hiroki was going to be honest, he would admit that he had a pretty great life. He had a good handful of close friends, so he never had to worry about being alone. His girlfriend was nothing short of amazing, even if they were long distant for the time being. He flourished in his hobby, strange as it might seem to people not involved in the culture, and was thankful he could still dedicate the time to it around his busy work schedule. All things considered, his job was also relatively tolerable. Sure, it wasn’t anything noteworthy, it wasn’t anyone’s _dream_ job to sell stationary, but despite all that he had climbed his way up to being Tokyokawa’s number two salesman. That wasn’t anything to sneeze at.

He would probably enjoy his job more if it were not for the eternal thorn in his side – one Kurosawa Yuichi. Even though Kurosawa had only been at the company a year longer than Hiroki, he always managed to make the gap between their numbers almost impossible to bridge. Try as he might, the bastard was just too damn good at his job.

For a while, that might have been okay – he was fine being number two. He made enough money and could live comfortably on his salary. No one bothered him about doing better, he was already _almost_ the best. But Hiroki wanted his girlfriend (Mika, his beautiful, amazing goddess) to move to Tokyo to be with him. Unfortunately, though, their situation had the potential to be needlessly complicated.

His biggest client was a large corporate law firm in Nagoya, possibly one of the most notable in the entire country. He was in his second year of employment at Tokyokawa when he managed to land the sale, and it had been the talk of the office for weeks afterwards. The fact he was able to keep them on for years after the fact was also a great achievement.

That same law firm also just so happened to be Mika’s place of employment. Purely by coincidence. Really. Honest.

While he was sure they wouldn’t cancel their contract over something so petty, he would probably ruffle a few feathers if he took away one of their best lawyers. Perseverance and the power of love be damned, he would still get reamed by the big boss if something went wrong.

Hiroki grunted under his breath, furrowing his brow as poked the straw through his milk carton. Even though he was years out of high school, drinking milk at lunch was just a habit he couldn’t break. It went well with extra spicy mapo tofu anyway, so he didn’t see a problem with it. Normally, he wouldn’t eat lunch so early in the day, but he, Rokkaku, and Kurosawa needed to travel to Yokohama for a sales call that afternoon and he was on a time crunch. He unwrapped the spoon he’d brought along from home and shoved a large glob in his mouth.

The only real solution to his current predicament would be to somehow pass Kurosawa in sales. If _he_ could manage to make it to the top of the ladder, then maybe it would make up for any professional faux pas that would come with Mika moving to Tokyo. A year or two ago, it might have been entirely possible – the gap between him and Kurosawa was large, in a manageable kind of way. A little extra overtime and cutting back on his extracurriculars, and he probably could have bridged it.

But since Christmas, Kurosawa had been on a _roll_. And suddenly that manageable gap became a bottomless chasm. Hiroki was a hard worker, but he wasn’t _that_ dedicated to his job.

He chewed the food in his mouth, noting that it wasn’t nearly as spicy as he liked it. He opened his side drawer and rifled around until – yes! There it was! The chili powder he’d brought along earlier that week. That was exactly the thing he needed.

Back to the topic at hand, he tried to contemplate what could have possibly changed in Kurosawa’s life. He definitely seemed happier, although he wasn’t sure how many other people noticed. As someone who also worked in sales, Hiroki could easily tell the difference between faked customer service smiles and genuine ones. Kurosawa had been using the latter for months, so surely that was making an impact.

There was no way that could be the only thing, but it was definitely a contributing factor. Hiroki’s own sales usually got a bump whenever he spent a weekend in Nagoya or when he won a competition. What could be the source of Kurosawa’s sudden improved mood, though?

He picked up his milk and leaned back in the chair, sucking hard on the straw. He visually skimmed over the office, noticing that Kurosawa was standing at Adachi’s desk for the umpteenth time that morning. They were giggling about something, Adachi’s ears were turning pink, and Kurosawa shined with the intensity of a thousand LEDs.

“ _Hm,”_ Hiroki considered, swallowing a large gulp. _“That might explain things. He finally got the balls to say something_.”

He crushed the empty carton in his hand. If _love_ was the cause of Kurosawa’s sudden success, then Hiroki could easily take advantage of that. After all, he had enough love of his own to motivate him. Hopefully Mika wouldn’t be too upset that he was texting in the middle of the day.

* * *

By the time everyone else in the office was ready to take lunch, Hiroki had long been finished with his. Less people in the office meant less bodies hogging up the copier and other supplies, so he could take his time putting together materials for the sales meeting later that afternoon. Kurosawa might have the most stunning personality between the three of them, but Hiroki was going to wow them when he whipped out this specialized pamphlet of samples the client could order. He was going to make it _his_ sale come hell or high water.

He was stapling the pamphlets together, when his stomach made a familiar gurgling noise – twisting and turning inside his gut. Hiroki whined, grabbing his materials to drop off at his desk. He had always had a fast metabolism, and everyone made fun of him for it. Most of the time he didn’t care, other times it was incredibly inconvenient.

As he made his way down the hallway to their floor’s restrooms, the pressure in his stomach became all the more urgent. He picked up the pace, darting in and letting the door slam behind him before running into the farthest stall. Luckily, he made it just in time.

Hiroki took a deep breath as he gripped the toilet paper dispenser. From experience, he knew he wasn’t nearly done, but it would take some time before his stomach would catch up with his brain. Luckily, eating lunch early meant he had some time before running out for the sales meeting. Everyone else was more than likely on the other side of the floor, in the break room, so no one would interrupt him. He fished his phone out of his pocket, planning on futzing around on it while he waited for the dreaded round two.

The door to the bathroom slammed open and it sounded like someone was stumbling in. Hiroki almost dropped his phone and quickly caught it. He whipped his head around. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t alone. He felt a little bad whoever was in such a rush – poor guy probably ate something at breakfast that didn’t agree with him. He felt solidarity with the stranger.

The stall farthest from him crashed and thumped, shaking the entire row. A groaning noise followed, along with a series of pants. It must have been rough. If Hiroki had his bag with him he would have offered stomach medicine.

The breathing sounds picked up, along with something else Hiroki couldn’t identify. And _then_ heard not just one zipper, but two coming undone, along with the rustling of clothes. Another moan floated from the other stall.

“Adachi…” Kurosawa’s distinctive voice crooned.

Uh oh.

Adachi’s voice purred, “ _Yuichi_.”

Oh no.

This was not a stranger that he could have a solidarity poop with. It was Kurosawa and Adachi. Having sex. In the office restroom.

Hiroki covered his mouth, resisting the urge to do something – he couldn’t tell if it was scream or throw up. He considered leaving the bathroom for another one, but his stomach cramped and ached telling him that if he even tried to leave, he would inevitably shit himself. No, unfortunately, he was stuck there.

The noises grew louder, and increasingly dirty. At some point Kurosawa mentioned wanting to be, in a direct quote, “filled with cum” and “knocked up.” Hiroki didn’t want to picture the logic and biological gymnastics that went into that, but his traitor brain kept trying to fill in the blanks. He had no problem with them doing whatever gay stuff they enjoyed – more power to them – that didn’t mean he wanted a front row seat to the action though.

Kurosawa let out another loud moan, piercing through Hiroki’s brain. Someone punched the wall of the stall, creating a loud thump, punctuating another series of shaking noises. Adachi growled something not appropriate for polite company, and Hiroki couldn’t help but feel at least a little bit of respect for him. He expected the little guy to be absolutely dominated, and yet here he was holding his own.

Hiroki paused and mentally punched himself for even thinking that. Fuck. He just wanted to get out of there, he’d do anything at that point to make a quick getaway.

 _That_ was when his bowels decided they were locked and loaded once again, ready to make this entirely awkward experience a _nightmare_. A loud grumble escaped from his stomach and Hiroki tried to will it away, with no luck. The sounds that came out of him were far from pleasant, a stark contrast to the fucking happening just a few feet away. Wet in the worst of ways. Three different screams joined together in a symphony of awful.

Everything was quiet for a few moments. It felt like millennia passed with each second.

Adachi’s voice popped up first, quietly, “Did you just…?”

“No,” Kurosawa’s followed, tight and strained. “Did you…?”

“No…”

Hiroki reached behind himself to flush the toilet, and then hid his face in his hands.

He tried to stall for time afterwards, cleaning himself up and waiting around. He hoped they would leave first, but when Kurosawa and Adachi made absolutely no effort to make Hiroki’s life slightly less awkward, he gave up.

He opened the door to his toilet, unfortunately at the same time as they opened the door to theirs. The three of them avoided making eye contact as they washed their hands at the sink. Adachi looked more rumpled than usual, bright red down the back of his neck. Kurosawa still managed to look pristine and put together, and in fact, radiated even brighter than usual with the afterglow of sex. It wasn’t fair. Hiroki wanted to punch his teeth in. If it wasn’t going to cause more problems and people would accuse him of being a bigot, he probably would have. He didn’t give a shit what was going on between them – he just didn’t understand why they had to do it in the _bathroom_ at _work_!

Hiroki dried his hands off, and cleared his throat. “I’m just…I’m gonna…” he made a vague gesture towards the door before mumbling, “We’re leaving in 30, Kurosawa. Don’t be late.” He practically sprinted out the door.

* * *

“Was that-?”

“Kusakabe Hiroki? Also known as ‘ _Kuso_ kabe’ Hiroki? _Also_ known as ‘Hiroki with the Explosive Shits?’ Yes. Yes, it was.” Yuichi groaned, leaning up against the sink. Mortification washed over him, along with the usual level of fear his co-worker instilled in him.

It wasn’t that Yuichi hated Kusakabe, he was just terrified of him. Not only could the man stink up an entire bathroom with little to no effort, he seemed completely unremorseful of the fact. If Yuichi’s theory was right, half the time he probably did it on purpose. He probably lived on spicy food and milk.

His appetite seemed ravenous as well, as Yuichi had walked in on him eating an entire rotisserie chicken in the break room three years before. When he asked why, Kusakabe had just looked up at him – mouth covered in chicken grease and simply said one word:

“Training.”

What did that even _mean_?! What could he possibly be training for? Just thinking about it made the bad kind of shivers run through Yuichi’s body.

Adachi frowned and rubbed at Yuichi’s shoulder. “Do you think he’ll tell anybody? We probably shouldn’t have done this at work again.”

A few weeks before, Yuichi had come to the conclusion that he made some of his best sales after getting absolutely railed by Adachi. Most people would find being horny enough of a drive, but something about the after-effects of a good orgasm (and maybe the satisfaction of feeling Adachi inside him) did something to his nerves. It made his thoughts clear and all the tension would flood out of his body.

He had sold a gross of notepads to a construction company with the satisfying feeling of Adachi’s release dripping out of him. He was _obsessed_ and he wanted more.

It wasn’t something they did every day, and they didn’t even do it each time Yuichi had a sales meeting – just when he needed a little bit of good luck. And considering how big his upcoming meeting was, Yuichi needed all the luck he could get and hadn’t hesitated when he dragged Adachi into the bathroom on the other side of their floor, begging for his cock. Nobody had caught them before, so he figured it would be the same that day.

Clearly, he was wrong.

Yuichi sighed, “No, because then he’ll have to admit that he stayed here and listed to us have sex instead of running out. I didn’t think anybody would be in here. Nobody uses this bathroom.”

“That’s probably why he was in here…” Adachi gave him another encouraging squeeze before pulling away. “We should probably apologize later. That must have been awkward for him.”

“Yeah, I’ll be sure to buy him an ‘I’m sorry you heard us have sex’ fruit basket. He’ll probably just swallow it whole.”

“Be nice!”

* * *

Hiroki slammed back his second can of coffee as he gathered the last of his materials for the sales meeting. It wasn’t doing much to help his nerves, but at least he could blame the shaking in his hands on the caffeine instead of the stress of hearing his greatest rival getting his fudge packed in the bathroom. He choked on the hot liquid as memories assaulted him once again.

“Kusakabe-senpai, did you not sleep well last night?” Rokkaku piped up from his seat, all too wide eyed and innocent. The poor fool had no idea what was happening in their office. Hiroki both envied and despised him for it. “That’s a lot of coffee.”

“It’s not enough coffee,” Hiroki grumbled, crushing the can in his hand before tossing it in the wastebasket under his desk. “It’s never going to be enough.”

Much to his displeasure, Kurosawa came back to their workstation. The bastard had the nerve to not look even slightly embarrassed for his transgressions. He looked away when Hiroki glared at him, turning his attention to Rokkaku, “Are you ready to go? Chief wants us to take a cab over.”

“Yeah, all set!” Rokkaku beamed up at him, jumping out of his seat with way too much enthusiasm.

The cab ride was nothing short of awkward, especially because Rokkaku kept chattering along the way about some nonsense. Luckily, Hiroki was nothing less than professional – so he was able to fake his way into the cheery sales persona he usually put on in front of clients.

Not that it mattered, or anything – because Kurosawa _nailed_ it, picking up most of the sales for himself.

Hiroki felt something boil inside of him – a deep-seated rage he didn’t even know he could muster up. Was it possible that sex made Kurosawa _better_ at sales? Was that his secret? That was cheating! No one else in the office had their significant other hanging around to fuck them into a better salesman!

What was he going to have to do to keep up? Call Mika every time he had a sale and jerk off in the supply closet? Bullshit!

He gripped the handle of his briefcase, glaring at Kurosawa’s back as they walked out of the building. If he wasn’t going to catch up to Kurosawa, then he was at least going to do his best to get revenge. Damn the consequences and anyone else around him. Kusakabe Hiroki was going to scorch the earth of Tokyokawa down to the core, all because Kurosawa couldn’t keep it in his goddamn pants.

Across the street, he spotted a 7-Eleven. Jackpot.

He cleared his throat, putting on his salesman smile. “That went great, didn’t it? Why don’t we get ice cream to celebrate? My treat.”

Kurosawa turned around, face pale and eyes wide. He opened his mouth to say something in return, maybe to imply that they had to rush back to the office.

Rokkaku interrupted him before he could even start with an excited, “Oh boy, ice cream! Thank you, Kusakabe-senpai.”

Hiroki threw his arms around both of them, gripping Kurosawa’s shoulder tightly with his free hand. “Anything for you guys! What are friends for?”

Fuck you, Kurosawa. Not literally though.

* * *

Yuichi sighed heavily as laid flat on his face across the couch. He had finally made it home after an excruciating afternoon and wanted nothing more than to forget most of the day had even happened. The ride back to the office had been particularly awful, as he learned what being on Kusakabe’s bad side meant for his olfactory senses.

“Maybe we should have apologized sooner,” Adachi muttered, leaning over to rub Yuichi’s back.

“I don’t think that would have mattered.”

“I’m sure he’s not that bad of a guy, we just put him in a bad spot.” He lifted Yuichi’s head so that he could sit on the couch, putting it back to rest in his lap. He swiped open his phone and tapped away, “Actually, Urabe-senpai told me something interesting about Kusakabe-san. Apparently he’s friends with his brother or something?”

Yuichi turned onto his back. “What, do they go around destroying public restrooms together?”

“No! Don’t be ridiculous. It’s actually really cool,” Adachi handed Yuichi his phone, open to a YouTube video of Kusakabe eating an inhumanly large bowl of oyakodon. It was messy and disgusting, sending those familiar chills down Yuichi’s spine.

Adachi didn’t even seem affected. “He does it competitively! Isn’t that kind of awesome?”

Yuichi closed Adachi’s phone, turning away to bury his face in his tummy. He knew he was going to forever rue the day he crossed Hiroki with the Explosive Shits.

**Author's Note:**

> And now Hiroki with the Explosive Shits finally has life. 
> 
> Beta-ed by [Stickies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stickers_on_a_laptop/pseuds/stickers_on_a_laptop)


End file.
